I wasn’t prepared to miss my daughter so much when I went away on a women’s retreat this weekend. And while I sooo needed the chocolate hour, massage and plenty of girly time my heart was broken by her sad face when I left. All day long I had tried to explain it to her, but of course since she’s not even two yet this was like trying to catch water with open hands. She understood though, as soon as I sat perched in my friend’s van and I started to hand her back to daddy. The look that followed this new understanding was one of utter abandonment. “You. Don’t. leave. Me. Ever.” She’s right. I don’t.
The worst part was that all week long I meant to pump some milk for her but never got the chance to. And now that I’ve come out of the closet on this issue, yes I still breast-feed my daughter. I am shooting for two years and I seriously am hoping I won’t be one of those parents who nurses their kid till their like twelve. It is the one thing I can give her though and our special time. Plus I’m fairly certain Desert Storm 3 will start if I try to stop. All this to say that I am not the queen of breast feeding and deserve no reward for doing it so long I just have no spine when it comes to telling my daughter no. And I want some form of control. After all he gets to stay home with her and make all the rules, but he lacks boobs so Ha!
Back to missing my daughter. I had no idea I would miss her so deeply. That it would actually hurt. Here is the thing that gets me though, why do I forsake moments with her when I have them? Even now, I am so insanely frustrated with her because she has taken the wiggling while in mommy’s lap during nursing time to a ridiculous new level, all the while dragging my poor abused nipple around as it is firmly locked between her razor sharp teeth, and it is all I can do to not fuss at her about every annoying thing she is doing today, like pooping a second time after I finish changing the diaper. Seriously. Enough already child, mommy doesn’t have enough pain killer to hobble over to the changing station a thousand times today. I think I am experiencing the jarring sensation of being back in the real world, coupled with pain from my ankle and the terrorizing of a tenacious two year old.
It usually works this way for me, that when I have the thing (or person) I want most in the world I end up pushing it away or not appreciating it. Not until it/or him/her/ is gone do I realize, wow. I miss ____. How do I find what I have, when I have it, and appreciate it in a realistic way? If you have an answer I’m all ears. I’d also like to know if this leaving my child for some much needed mommy time will ever get easier. And while I’m exploring these questions it’d be nice to figure out how to not be so frustrated when returning from land of nourishment to land of messy living room filled with one very tiny loud person. Oh to go back to the land of truffles where happy people are playing fun games with dice and dancing. But see, even when she’s cantankerous all day long like today I’d still rather be dancing with her, my daughter.