Monday, January 19, 2009

Looking at lights.

I was going through my journal entries after the first few months of Kaiya's birth. Part of me is amazed I was able to write anything and it is fun to look back and see from this side of the view. Now I'm starting to see that the newness I felt then is still, in fact here, with each thing she learns to do a ton of other new things are out there waiting, for both of us.
My daughter will stare off, seemingly into space, at lights for an remarkably long time. It’s like she’s studying them, or learning them, and the other day I looked at them too. Seeing lights through her eyes, new eyes, and I truly realized how beautiful they really are. Have you looked at lights recently, I mean really looked at them? They’re amazing. They are brilliance defined. They keep going after they end. They might even be eternal. I was swimming, looking up at the white ceiling and the reflection of the water and light dancing on the water and then I looked a light. I thought of her, my little angel, and I studied the light, as fascinated as she is by them and I was amazed. How many more encounters, how many more things to learn? Will I learn to walk again when she teeters her first steps?
She is teaching me each day, each hour, each moment. How to live, how to love, how to be better. God, I love her so. This is love, in fact, this crazy abandon to someone else completely, this desire for their good to the extent of total sacrifice to yourself. I
freely give it all. But it is also giving what is best, and not only what they desire, for sometimes that is the harder thing. That last bit, I’m not entirely sure I’ve got down yet.

3 comments:

  1. That was really well written!

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    ReplyDelete

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