Monday, September 14, 2009
A Hard Day
I huffed and I puffed in, thankful at least that I was able to find my id before making it to the door instead of having to stop and shuffle through my bag for five minutes. The comments came flying from everywhere: getting bigger! almost time! walking slower! gee, you hadn't had the kid yet? you're still here? looks like you dropped! haven't dropped yet! baby's almost here! not quite yet, huh? I made it to the safety of the elevator and was thankful I was alone. Uncomfortable conversations are even funner in a cramped place when you are approaching the size of a small blimp. Kaiya has taken to pointing at my belly and asking, very concerned, "owie?" Yes, I nod, owie. The whole thing hurts. People mean well, I know they do, but one can only hear: my you're walking slower today for about four hundred times and then you hit your limit. And that's just it, I'm frustrated I'm hitting my limit already. Today I had to tell my little mentee kid that I might not be able to see her next week and her crestfallen face broke my heart. After all, the poor thing has been hit with the crap stick enough in life already it's not really fair she got the pregnant mentor who is going to miss over a month of visits anyway. And I keep comparing this one to last pregnancy where I worked up until the day before. So I think: come on Court, you sit in a cubicle all day, how hard can it be? But it is hard. Walking to the bathroom and drinking fountain is hard. Why oh why is it so far away? And even though this time I'm all about my plans and how this baby can't come early because it will mess it all up I am done still. Ready. I don't care anymore. Sure I would be devastated if baby came too soon, certainly for his sake but I think now he's probably cooked enough it would be fine anyway, but also because if it was really sudden and Hubby was stuck with Kaiya and no one to watch her then I'd be all alone getting that awful surgery again I just honestly don't think I can take another day like today. The worst part? Baby decided jumping on the bladder just wasn't fun anymore. He wanted to move to the colon. I want that to sink in. All day long there was this horrendous pressure where there really shouldn't be pressure my friend. Not to mention the struggle it is just to take a breath. How can this kid be reaching so high and so low at the same time? What is he three feet tall already? All this to say I am considering wrapping up this week and then taking off. I feel defeated to say that, I mean after all, right now I'm sitting at a computer so why can't I do that and get paid? But it's the idea that if I suddenly get exhausted I can go crawl into bed. And since my sleep schedule is so completely screwy the idea of sleeping when I want to and not when I'm supposed to be able to is a good one to me. Two weeks. Just two more weeks.