This past Spring when my lovely grandmother passed away I had this little clutch in my heart, this little, oh golly gee willekers, it would be hard to lose a parent! This gasp of fear sprung up inside me, like, a plea really with the Almighty because I simply had to get him to understand that I so was not ready for that yet. A friend of mine recently prayed that the Lord would help me take every thought captive and not give in to fear which is something I keep repeating to myself, especially now. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago. From the moment I heard she felt a lump I started to freak and then would have a pep talk and then go back to freaking. There have been some very precious prayer moments though where I have felt like He has told me to trust Him, He has her in His hands.
Letting go of control is hard, but letting go of (supposed) control over loved ones is harder. When I was a girl we all routed for our state's favorite team. I got it into my head that I had to watch the games or they couldn't win without me. (Very self-centered I know, I try.) Nothing could have been further from the truth. The very skilled players certainly did not need an eleven year old girl to root them on in order to win. They didn't even know I existed! Of course it's not at all like that with God. Oh, I'm just as-if not more-unnecessary, but for some reason He let's us be a part of it all. Even if all were doing is rooting while He makes all the plays. But He knows I exist. It's more like when I let Kaiya help me make cookies. It takes longer and it's messier but it's such a sweet time it's worth it even if they sometimes come out tasting a little weird for some reason.
All this to say that through this trial I'm trying my best to sit at God's feet and trust that no matter what He loves us deeply, especially my mom, and what He decides is best. His timing is best. And of course, it's way too early to freak. I should at least give Him time to blow my socks off, like totally healing her? That would rock! Even if though... He is still good and that's all I need to know right now.