Christmas in... erm... March?

We still have our lights up. More by default than anything. At least the tree is down. (Um, by down I mean, half dismantled and now sitting on top of our dryer in the laundry room.) And the garland is all put up. I think. Hang on. Scratch that. The fun thing about the lights is we aren't the only ones in our neighborhood. I guess this is a lazy year cause on just about every other street there is at least one house with their lights still on. It's sort of fun. I was wondering if it's just us, in our quirky little neighborhood, that are being lazy this year so I googled it and actually found a couple of stories/posts where people were commenting on seeing more lights up still and sort of wondering out loud just how tacky is it to leave your lights up all year? Cause me, I'm leaning towards that. Especially since our front porch light don't work, it makes sense to string up something. 

The flower given

My grandmother was a good person. Really. Like, people say that, but seriously, she was good. She wasn't perfect, but she knew when to hold her tongue or keep the peace. I wish we could have gone to see her more and am so grateful we got to see her this Christmas. It was like I knew it would be her last one and I wanted to make sure Kaiya had at least one picture to hang onto. I only had a few, for my grandfather died the same year we were born, and I treasure them. 

The service was really beautiful and everything, from the viewing to the various family dinners, were very peaceful and sweet. It was like Grandma was so special that everything about her, even her death, was graceful. They say she took one deep breath and then died, in her sleep. I am almost positive dear sweet Jesus came to take her hand and lead her into Heaven himself. And as my sweet cousin said, this is the first family gathering in a long time that Grandma could hear everything! I don't quite know if we get reunited with the ones we've already lost when we die, but if we do I'm sure she was happy to see her husband after all these years away from him as well. 

Kaiya did amazingly well. I was a little leery about the thought of having to control her by myself (hubby was picked to be a pall-bearer, which I was happy because he was so honored and it was sweet- made him feel like apart of the family.) My sis-in-law helped out a bunch. She's like the Pied Piper for toddlers and Kaiya drinks the Kool-Aid right along with the rest. (She really is good with kids, I'm just trying to out my twin who admitted to lurking on my blog.) So between her sitting next to me and her fabulous idea of snagging some mints Kaiya only made one sound the whole service. Seriously. Can you believe it? And the sound was this cute little laugh that wasn't at a horribly inappropriate time. She did kick the seat in front of us, which I secretly didn't mind since it made this chick who was not family and yet still sitting with us glare at her. I thought: hey now, you can move if you want. But I then wanted to be sweet, because Grandma was and to her I swear probably just about everyone was family, so I moved Kaiya so her legs couldn't kick it anymore. That was the thing about Grandma, I wanted to be a better person around her. Even in her memory, I still do. 

Then we went onto the graveside, which was surprisingly short, but I was glad it was because I'm not sure how much more I could have taken. Hubby and the other pall bearers put their flowers on the grave. When he did that I thought to myself: that's from me too Grandma! What is interesting is when we went to visit for Christmas we went to see my Grandfather's gave because I had never seen it and dad wanted to drop by. Grandma's name was on it and it was sort of jarring to see that then, but I'm glad I did. There was a something final about that memory of her name engraved in stone. This time we couldn't see either as the grave and a cover thing was over it all but the memory was still there. She's gone. The memories are not though. 

Friday Hi-Five

So for this week I'm going to list the five things that I had to give up these last few months with studying that I can't wait to get back to doing:

1. Spending quality time with Kaiya. It was so exhilarating to go to the park with her today without notecards, books, or cds of study material blasting in my ears. I got to watch her play and realize just how much I have missed these last few months. She is growing up in front of my eyes.

2. Spending quality time with my husband. We kept up date nights, not weekly, but probably every other yet still sometimes we were like passing ships. And he spent so much time with her (he already spends the whole blasted day) that at the end of it all it was all we could do to keep from collapsing in the bed. 

3. Go back to getting more pictures of Kaiya and actually printing them out and mailing them. I do kind of regret I haven't sent as many pictures in recent months, especially to Grandma, but part of that is the whole camera issue so I guess I'll work on that first.

4. Write more. Not just blogging either, but creative stuff. Poems and what not. I think I'm a better person when I write.

5. Just be. No more (at least drastically reduced) triple tasking. I can take a bubble bath now without notecards and having to figure out how to shampoo with one hand so I can keep the other dry to turn pages in a text book. Ah. To feel the suds in my toes and just be. 

One OH big fat Two

Thanks so much for the prayers and kind word and thoughts! And thanks to my sweet husband who has given me a ton of time to study for this test, it all really paid off!! I made a 97 on the written part of the test, which after they factor in the seniority and degree points will end up being 102! Yipee. I was hoping to get above a 90 and was secretly shooting for 95 so I am very happy. Thanks again, and the trip went well. I'll try  to post some thoughts on that in a bit but for now I'm about to watch Twilight (my prize for the day.) 

A Hiatus

We will be going to see my family and my test is on: 3-26-09.  If you pray, I sure could use it. 

And the hits, really do, keep on coming.

My beautiful grandmother passed away last night.

Oh you have got to be kidding me

So baby girl, who still has her hives by the way, had this horrendous ear ache. Her miserable little scrunched up face kept pleading with us to do something, anything, until she whimpered herself to sleep. And the selfish thought that kept running through my mind: not now! Not a week before my test! She was better later on today though and I am off until my test so off to studying I go. I told hubby that if only they would pipe in Wiggles music, because #1 it will distract the enemy (the other test takers) and #2 I might remember some of the hundreds of flash cards I went over to the tun of "Henry, the Octupus, he's such a good friend... to me..." and so forth. And then hubby got an ear ache too. And the hits just keep on coming.

Happy St. Patty's Day.

Ok, so I'm actually not really into St. Patrick's day and I don't know diddly about it to be honest but I do love green. And clovers. There is something soothing about them and it just seems like they should taste like mint for some reason. They don't. I seem to remember having fun trying to remember to wear green though. If you don't someone hits you. Someone mean. No hitting today, ok? But I totally dig the green thing. Ooh and Irish people are fun. How come beer is the only thing that comes to mind next? Ooh, but now a new reason to like St. Patrick's day: Happy Anniversary E! And I'm done. Enjoy it all. 

Full Circle

My mom used to love it when we would brush her hair. When I was little I loved doing it, I think because it made me feel important. Or maybe because it was something mommy liked. I don't know if I actually wondered if she liked it until later though, when I started to outgrow it. I had all these places to go, you see, and the thought of sitting anywhere for a substantial length of time was not appealing to me. But mom would still ask and so sometimes I would oblige while other times I would pitch a fit. The older I got, I became more capable of questioning motives and so I wondered if she just didn't want to spend some time with me. There was something stilling about that time, the rhythm of the brush going through the hair. I guess I just never understood it because for me brushing was always a very violent experience. With a head full of curls there's not much way to make that relaxing. So I never quite understood why she liked for her daughter to brush her hair so much until last night. When mine did. Her gentle little hand moving the brush back and forth was incredibly soothing. Perhaps when she's a little older and can brush harder it won't be as fun but it was this sweet little thing that was ours. And by ours I mean all three of us, the generations once removed from me. That to me is one of the funnest parts of being a mom, getting to pass on these treasures that my parents gave me. 

On being sick

So baby girl is miserably sick. Snot running everywhere. This big, deep, throaty cough thing going on. But the worst part of all is her eyes. Tears have been lingering there and they are so droopy they are only open half way. The part you can see is even more fantastically blue, I'm not sure why, I guess the tears are making them more blue. Then to make it extra fun: a neat rash all over her has added to the mix. It's too soon to tell what it is, but always fun to have something new to worry about (in case you are wondering, I am not doing so well with my Lent this year.) We called poison control just for grins and they told us to benadryl her up and watch her breathing, that if she had trouble breathing that was the thing to watch for. I started to timidly suggest that we let her sleep in the bed with us tonight but Hubs was all over it all ready. His worried look was so full of love if I wasn't so worried too I would have been a bit turned on.

What amazes me is her happy little spirit. Sure she's a bit grouchy, you know, when she can't breathe, but for the most part she is the same sweet little kid. I am a miserable wretch when I am sick and I do my best to make sure everyone around me is equally miserable. I guess she hasn't learned that yet. Maybe there's hope. Here's the even bigger hope: maybe she can teach me to be sweeter still. 

Friday Hi-Five

So I got this idea from: This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood and it was supposed to come with a nifty picture but my blog is having technical difficulties. I'm going to blame it on the Mac. Basically you make a list of any five things. So: Wah-lah! My five things I plan on doing while on vacation to Seattle:

1. Sitting still and enjoying a moment. Any moment mind you, the sitting still thing is the key. I plan on savoring me some quiet on this vacation.

2. Drinking coffee with my hubby. He really wants to just sit at a coffee shop. And since I'm all about the sitting I can totally dig this too.

3. Ride a ferry and pretend like I am in Grey's Anatomy. Ok, so I'm a dork. Still. I get to ride a ferry.

4. See the world from really high. From that little q-tip looking thing. We won't be eating there, since you have to spend a minimum of FIFTY bucks and I don't need memories that bad. Talk about the indigestion I would get from that!

5. Well, hehe, this last one is x-rated and this is a family site. 

Wiggles: Revisited

Ok, now I agree with y'all about how annoying they are. For the life of me I can't get "Fruit Salad, yummy yummy" out of my head but I think the Wiggles are emerging as her favorite. And after watching her react to the show it's becoming one of my favorites (for her.) There was this part of it where they were doing a little dance and Kaiya was flailing her arms like she was drunk and suddenly one of the Wiggles made this sleeping motion. Then to my amazement so did Kaiya, but even more amazingly at the same time he did! I gasped and turned to hubby whose eyes were practically rolling out of his head (as he had the fortune of seeing it a thousand times already) and then I said: did you see that? She did the  move at the same time, she can follow visual instructions! To which he said: well she's only watched it five hundred times today I would hope she could put her hands to her head like she is going to sleep, even better I wish she would go to sleep. Ah the differences of the parenting. The one who is out missing all these precious minutia and the one who is suffering through the thousands of repeated bits over and over again like a stuck tape. 

The coordinated dance moves of the rock-star named Kaiya did not stop there, oh no. The climax move was when she pretended to be an elephant and resurrected her growl that she first started perfecting at about eight months old. Her little hand waving in front of her face to be the trunk with this crescendoing "rroaarr" sound emitting from her was too much. I tried to blink my eyes, thinking maybe they could somehow magically turn into a camera but alas, not this time. 

Am I a bad parent?

Hubby and I are planning a much needed vacation after my big test. Between my career, his career and other things coming up for us this may just be our last chance for a get-a-way for a while and we are both very excited. We got the plane tickets, we've booked the bed and breakfast and are starting to plan which touristy things we are going to be doing but this lingering doubt stays with me: how can I leave my baby?

Of course it's not like I'm leaving her on the steps of the fire department with a note and a teddy bear. My sweet parents, who have been helping oodles lately, are going to watch her with my sister. And Kaiya loves her cousins. The oldest one really does well with her and I think the youngest one even likes her a little bit too. She thinks they are these fantastic toys made just for her. But still.

I'm leaving my baby for a five day vacation. And so is my husband. The closest we have come was when I went on a retreat, but even then he was around in the evenings for her. I insisted to him that we call, regularly, like a stalker. And I even hinted that I wanted him to figure out a way to set up 'video chat' so she could see us as well. 

Am I just a total sap as a parent? Should I feel bad about this or is this my neurosis stirring up the pot? And any tips on how to make this easier (for her) (Ok, for me too.)?

Try not to bite the hand that feeds you.

My study buddy is way more prepared than I am, and more dedicated, and while that should make me happy that she takes the time to bring me up to her level instead I just feel this surge of competition rising in me. Why is that? I keep waiting for the day I'll be, you know, mature, and not so crazy girl competitive all the time. Just you know, chill. One with things, etc. Maybe I should take up yoga or something, but I swear I would find a way to make it competitive and competitive yoga only spells one thing for me: a trip to the er. So instead of mentally tallying up the number of questions I got right compared to the number she got right I think I will tally up all the ways she has helped me:

• giving me the quizzes she and her friend made
• organizing my own notes (who does that?)
• keeping me focused on the task at hand
• and encouraging me constantly not to give up.

We are but babysitters.

I was thinking the other day when one of the child-care workers at church was telling me something funny Kaiya had done. While the story was cute and I was touched how much she clearly cared for my daughter there was this sense of sadness in her voice. This sense of ownership of all the children in her care, for the brief bit that they were, but then this sad sense of release. Perhaps I was just reading into it but I get the sense from her that she longs to be a parent herself and has this bitter-sweet feeling when it is time for her role to be done. For as much as the children love her and enjoy their time playing with her the squeals of sheer delight they reserve for their mommies and daddies. 

As I was thinking about this girl and what her experiences must be like and how my own was not that far removed from her (just a few years ago I was the single gal helping out in the Sunday School room with my womb aching as the little ones broke my heart each day) I started thinking about how maybe I am confused about my role. By that I mean this thought kept pounding in my head one day while I was praying: she is not yours Court, she is mine. As I started to mull this around in the old noggin' I realized that my daughter is essentially on loan to me. I am the child-care worker, not the parent. She will be with me for such a brief time in comparison. All I really have to do is keep her alive and try keep her happy. Huh.

My study song.

Oh I really don't want to study.

I really hate all this studying.

It's boring and it sucks

and my butt hurts from

all this blasted sitting

and how much memorizing

can you really do in one month?

But if I study study study

I could make more money 

so I have to plant my tush

in the blasted chair again

and quit wasting time on 

my precious happy blog....

study study study study....

Oh the drama of a nine year old

So I have been mentoring this adorably sweet little girl. I can't give any specifics, not that any of you would really use it maliciously anyways, but it's the principle of the matter of course. But suffice it to say that this poor kid has so much drama in her life. Did you ever take one of those stress tests? You know where it lists all the big things that can happen to make you stressed- I swear this kid checks off all the blasted boxes like weekly. Deaths, marriages, births, divorces, wrecks, numerous hospital trips and all of this she just blabs with her precious little face still smiling. I have noticed my most used phrase is "wow that must have been really tough." And I've also noticed each time she looks at me puzzled. We come from different worlds. She must be thinking, girl, you haven't seen trouble yet! I'm trying to work on my responses and say something more like: how was that for you or etc. Each time I meet with her I am more amazed at her tenacious little spirit. And man am I having trouble remembering all the characters in her little story. I'm actually thinking about keeping a little journal to keep them all straight. I think all nine-year-olds think you have the memory that they do: sure as an elephant. Wish me luck and pray for this nameless (she has a name just, you know..) little girl that the drama in her life might calm down a bit at least for a season.

Giving in

This seems to be the common theme this month: just where exactly is that ever elusive line from being a total wuss as a parent to being a total jerk? Kaiya is getting to where she recognizes the way home several blocks away, and the way to the babysitter's house like two miles away. She cries going towards either. She's just not a homebody (unlike me) and she likes to stay out late (unlike daddy). So when we were returning from a much needed date and had just picked her up from the babysitter's house she keyed in pretty quickly when we turned into our neighborhood and let her displeasure be known. We decided to roll with at, as it was still early, and go up to a shopping center to stroll around. And it was fun, it really was. There was this giant bird statue and when we told her to give it "leg hug" and she did I was seriously kicking myself that the digital camera is out of commish. Then we rode up and down and up and down the escalator and the squeal that filled the entire Border's was delightful. She still threw a fit though when it was time to go. So we tricked her on the way home and went a different way so she didn't realize we were home until we were just a couple of blocks instead of listening to her cry for a mile instead. I asked hubby if we had just totally wasted our time since the big meltdown we were so desperately trying to avoid still occurred or if it was good to let her have a bit of say in things. By that I mean of course she's two so it's not like she'll make the most informed decisions but I think as a kid, even a really little one, what I really wanted was to feel like I had a voice. And I look back at all the times we went to fun kid stuff and realize I very likely did. It seemed we were constantly going to zoos, carnivals, playgrounds and what not. Just like any other kid I hated going to bed and my constant goal was to avoid that awful three letter word at all costs. I guess my own kid is probably just like me in that respect and now I just have to figure out how to be the parent and tell her N-O sometimes and be wise about the times its OK to go for a late night stroll (by late I mean eight o'clock) to see a bird and ride some stairs. 

The TV monster.

Up until about a week ago Kaiya's interest in TV was minimal. We mostly liked it that way though we fantasized about a kid who we could let the tube baby-sit for half an hour, to you know, have mommy and daddy time. What we didn't anticipate was a child who would fall in love with the TV and stage a hostile take over. We have been besieged by the Wiggles for a week now and I swear if the US had used this tactic Iraq would already be annihilated. And how do they manage to find the one show that grates on your last nerve? I mean, I totally love the Signing Time videos and while she likes those a little bit she would rather Wiggle the night away much to my great dismay. And what is with the repeating thing, I mean, seriously? You really need to watch that video again? We just watched it five times kid. The sad thing is I guess some parts are more annoying or attention grabbing than others because each time I manage to zone in for the same very irksome fifteen minutes. I mean how many times can you hear a grown man sing about mashed bananas? 

Maybe what really makes me sad that her first favorite show is one that stars men. I mean, I had this running theory that most kids liked shows with central male figures because they were home with their mommies usually and missed their daddies. Since our house is a little backwards and hubby is the SAHD and I'm the one always gone I was seriously hoping she'd like Signing Time more since it's got this cool chick who is a mommy starring in it. The funny thing is I think since I like the signing show so much that she associates it with me so she waits until I'm home. Ok, maybe that's a little egocentric but she and I just watched it two full times and she couldn't stop waving her little hands around in a desperate attempt to get them to start signing on her own like mommy was doing. What is scary is how aware she is now whereas before she used to just look at the TV with mild amusement. Time shall tell I guess. And I swear if any of you get me Wiggle stuff so help me *9$@!#.