Hello. My name is Court and it's been five days since I last adjusted the ornaments. (Waits for applause.) It's a daily struggle... (Coughs awkwardly to stall.) ..especially since the girl child insists on moving them around regularly. She last moved the new little paper star TO THE SAME BRANCH as my pretty pink crystal ball one. This just should not happen. That pink one was from my single days. When I had a pink year. The whole, bloody, tree was pink doggonit. I loved it. (Sniff, hiccup.) And that was the year I bought the pink Strawberry Shortcake ornament. (Sigh.) Which is lo... lo.... lost! (Sobbing.) A whole box of ornaments. Gone! Tragically taken in the move.
(Straightens up a bit; holds head high.) But. I'm being strong. For the kids. So I've sworn off ornaments. No longer do I fondly rearrange after the kids go to bed. Why, I haven't even scoured the living room for the ones the toddler yanked off and flung to the nethers. I also have not prematurely strangled the cats as they sit at the foot of the tree licking their little cat lips with that look of: "Oh... There have to be little birdies up there!"
Sometimes late at night, when the temptation is hardest, I fondly gaze at the lights. On weaker moments I make laps around the tree "admiring" it. (Snort.) We all know where "admiring" leads, don't we? (Wry look followed by exaggerated nod.)
It starts with something small like ornaments and the next thing you know you're tackling an octogenarian in Wally World to get the latest farting Elmo doll for your boy. Every boy needs a farting Elmo, you rationalize, from jail. Speaking of... I wonder where that Elmo ornament went to? No! I will not yield!
Um? What? Oh. My five minutes are up? Well, thank you folks. I'm just going to be taking it one day at a time. Only fifteen days left till "C" day anyway so, um, hang in there. And peace. On Earth. Oh man I wish I had my little dove ornament, the one that was crocheted.... (weeping as escorted off stage.)