Tuesday, August 18, 2015

From the deep

I have been calling it 'writer's block' but I'm not sure that's completely accurate. That would mean I have been trying to write and blocked from it for some reason. I haven't even been trying, truth be told. Currently, I am reading through 'Sorrow and Blood: Christian mission in contexts of suffering, persecution, and martyrdom.' It's as haunting as it sounds. One of the main focuses the current section I am on is challenging the 'prosperity gospel.' I had this smug smile on my face. Yeah, all you people who only profess belief simply to get stuff, I think to myself. I read on.
"Again, I am deeply moved when I consider that 99.4 percent of Scripture was written either from or into contexts of uncertainty, violence, exile, poverty, and weakness." 
That is when it hits me.
The real reason I haven't been writing. 
My words haven't been "Facebook approved." By that I mean, I can't sum up my days in a snappy little sentence. Try as I might to be honest in my living, just like everyone else if I can't put a little pretty bow on it at the end than it just ain't worth it. Lately I'm out of bows. 
Instead of finding snippets to write about I've been slogging through the deep, and my ability to keep tunneling down never ceases to amaze me. When others hit bottom they go, 'oh crap,' me, I get a shovel. And I dig. And dig. 
The kids' dinner antics reaches a crescendo and I screech like a pterodactyl. It is time to get ready for work. I have no answers this time. No take-away. Other than it's probably time to resurface. To start the miles long trek back up out of this abyss I've been in. Maybe it starts with admitting that I haven't had writer's block so much as I've had life block. 
Maybe, this week before the start of another school year, I will not even give it a second thought that in our family I am the absent parent and my husband is the present one. It's just the way it is. I'm there as much as I can be and to expect to be able to be a full time parent while working full time also is ridiculous. 
Instead I will set to this rock wall in front of me, waiting to be scaled, drop the blasted shovel finally, and start my ascent.

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